Appyling “The Laws of Anime” to the anime of now

Anyone who began their anime fandom in the early 2000s or sooner may remember “The Laws of Anime”…

“The Laws of Anime” is an extensive and quite humorous list of observations and tropes in anime compiled by three fans – Darrin Bright, Ray Shellito, and Mike Smith – that was first posted online sometime in the late 90s. Although the list hasn’t been revised since 1998, there are still copies of it on various sites.

Because the list was created in the late 90s and hasn’t been updated since, it may appear to be obsolete now. The creators only had anime, mostly mecha and shonen, like Robotech, Record of Lodoss War, Ranma 1/2, Evangelion, Fist of the North Star, and other “old school” titles to work with, while titles that define anime nowadays, such as Code Geass, Death Note, Naruto, Haruhi, Lucky Star, Bleach, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Azumanga Daioh, didn’t exist yet. However, I recently looked over the list again and realized that there are still quite a number of its “laws” that can be applied more than a decade later to the “post-old school” anime of the 2000s.

Below I’ve copied these laws, taken from the original “Laws of Anime” list, that I feel are still applicable to many new anime that have come out over the past decade. My commentary is in italics (you can read the full “Laws of Anime” here)

Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.
This is a universal law for just about all anime I’ve seen, except perhaps some pure slice-of-life/sitcom series.

Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something ‘cool’ or ‘impressive’. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
On that note, the hero will usually use this extra time to cry out the name of the person dying at least three times – twice in a sort of gasping way, then for the third time, shouting out their name to the heavens as loud as possible.

First Law of Temporal Mortality
‘Good Guys’ and ‘Bad Guys’ both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.

Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
I haven’t seen this quite as much in newer anime and I’m wondering if the switch from cel to digital animation has something to do with it.

Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a ‘Good Guy’ kicks the ‘Bad Guy’ in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversely proportional to its size.
First Corollary – Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.
Just think of all the anime of the past decade where cute but powerful high school girls or shonen heroes beat butt-ugly bad guys many times their size.

Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a ‘Good Guy’ when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the ‘Bad Guys’ when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)
Example: A ‘Good Guy’ in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of ‘Bad Guys’ firing on a ‘Good Guy’ standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary – The more ‘Bad Guys’ there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary – Whenever a ‘Good Guy’ is faced with insurmountable odds, the ‘Bad Guys’ line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary – Whenever a ‘Good Guy’ is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated ‘Good Guy Area’, usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the ‘Good Guy’ from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvers.

Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
I believe shonen heroes like Ichigo and Zoro have the most blood of any anime character. And I’d like to add my own corollary…
First Corollary – The more frequently a character is bloodied and beaten up on a daily basis, the faster they recover from injuries that would quickly kill or hospitalize a normal person.

Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
If only this were plausible in real life…

Law of Mandibular Proportionality
(from A. Hicks)
The size of a person’s mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

Law of Conservation of Firepower
(from Tom Williams)
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
I wonder how many battles in anime would have gone differently if this law didn’t exist.

Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
(from Spellweaver)
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s hair is the same way you deal with demons… with bladed weapons!

Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.

Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the aforementioned female’s clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).

Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn’t hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) – All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
I’ve seen this law dismissed in some anime, but there are still some where it applies.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) – Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
I actually can’t think of an anime where a character was seriously injured in a bikini. There’s gotta be one!

Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be rather large in anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
My favorite law XD

Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get.
I don’t think the original creators of this law envisioned all the harem anime that would crop up in recent years.

Law of Nasal Sanguination
(from Ryan Pritchard and Jason Aylen)
When sexually aroused, males in anime don’t get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though… the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue. Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of blood-flow to that region.
I think the blush has to do with the fact that metabolism makes Japanese blush more often, especially when they’ve been drinking (think of all the anime characters whose faces turn red when they’re drunk).

Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
(from Erin Alia)
Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
A staple law for mecha series

Law of Nominative Clamovocation
(from Luiko-Ysabeth and Adrian Hsiah)
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.
A staple law for shonen series

Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
(from R. A. Hubby)
Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any ‘Bad Guys’ witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
I’ve also noticed that bad guys will not interrupt the heroes when they’re conversing with each other right in front of him, especially if they’re trying to figure out how to beat said bad guys

Law of Flimsy Incognition
(from Conrad Knauer)
Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.
I think this law mostly applies to kid/family anime – I don’t see it much in others.

Bonus laws:

Though not exactly laws, the following were taken from a list called “All I Ever Learned, I Learned from Anime” by Laura Luchau. She lists 119 things, but I’ve only posted the ones I like the best and I feel are still applicable to most anime nowadays (you can read the full list here).

– When you die, make a long speech, and don’t finish the last sentence.

– Snow means love.

– There’s always room for flashbacks!

– Speak quietly, pilot a big mech.

– Love knows no race, species, or logic.

– Never trust a huge corporation.

– Romance never comes simpler than in a triangle.

– Sweating is a sure sign of stress.

– Cherry blossoms mean nostalgia.

– You can never have too many subplots.

– Nothing delays romance like unruly neighbors.

– The most virtuous character will die.

– All high school kids in Japan have parents that are away on extended business trips.

– You can do anything to the human body as long as you hit the right pressure point.

– Everyone in Japan has excellent singing voices.

– The martial arts expert is always defenseless against a slap from the girl who loves him.

– The more possessive a woman gets, the less likely she will end up with the man of her dreams.

– The fate of the planet rests in the hands of the seemingly normal high school student.

– The police are never anywhere there is a large amount of property damage.

– Any character can make a leap of 300 ft or more if given a good running start.

– You CAN do it, but only when it’s funny or REALLY important.